Just read through that last post...from August! My, my, somehow I knew I wouldn't be blogging a lot this year. I have promised myself and some others that I will dedicate a blog specifically to "funny things said by 5th grade boys", and this WILL happen (but not now). Soon, I promise. And soon probably means this summer, so don't hold your breath.
There are important things at hand, and I feel as though I might burst if I don't express them in writing. It's always so satisfying to see my thoughts in print...well...if I have time to make them sound eloquent. So here they are.
God is awesome. I know this, always have, and hopefully you do, too, but I know it right now. I feel, taste, desire, am consumed by him so much to the point of tears sometimes. I feel the way Frank Laubach must have felt when he wrote, "God was so close and so amazingly lovely that I felt like melting all over with a strange blissful contentment."
He is so close.
So I'm recognizing things about myself, like: I've been here before. I've been in this beautiful state of consolation more than once, where God is so close that I feel him with me all of the time. I've also been in states of desolation where I can't really feel God, or I do things to distance myself from him, and he seems far off and ....disposable. I never, ever want to go back to that place. I have a firm resolve, and I want to keep it, so here is what I do:
1. Learn from my experiences
I am cyclical. I tend to fall back into old habits that drag me back down into places I don't want to be, but for some reason, he always pulls me back up. He always, ALWAYS, takes me back, and he always will. Seventy times seventy-seven times he will take me back, and I don't deserve it, but he does it anyway, because he's my dad.
Because I am cyclical, it's easy to pinpoint what pulls me away from him. I pray that this time I can remember that, and live my life the way I know is best for me. He's given me the gift of clarity, and he's used people to teach these things to me. I'm so grateful for every person in my life...even those who have caused a bit of pain because they are bringing me closer to him. I don't have regrets, and I don't believe in mistakes...just things and people that you learn from.
2. Remember this:
"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." -Colossians 1:17
This is a commonly said verse that has a lot of meaning for me. I used this verse to perform an illustration for a talk I gave on Aggie Awakening. I talked about a thing called laminin. The laminins are a group of glycoproteins that are essential for the maintenance and survival of all cells, among many other things. Laminin literally holds everything....all things...together. This is what laminin looks like:
Yeah. Mind blown. Seeing things like this reminds me that he is real, and he is here. I want God to be before everything in my life. I want him to make my decisions. I want to be able to sing the song verse, "Everything I am for your kingdom's cause" and mean it. I don't want to be a hypocrite, or try to fool myself into believing that I can have a relationship with God and just throw my secrets and sins in a closet of denial while I pretend that I'm following his will. I've done this too many times, and I think I'm old enough to realize that it doesn't work. It's all or nothing with him, and I'm giving him my all because that's what Jesus did for me.
3. Trust him
This one's simple...trust that he has my best interests at heart. That he knows my heart well enough to know (better than I do) what will satisfy it. "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
He has made it very easy for me to trust him lately. It seems that when I get the least bit down, or sad, he'll send me some kind of message that says, "I'm here, I love you, and you're doing the right thing." Last night, I was at a St. Patty's Day party in Minnesota with my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew, and some of their friends. I was having a great time, but then I started to get a bit homesick for my friends who I figured were all together for St. Patty's. As soon as I started feeling this, one of my favorite songs came on randomly. The funny thing was, the song is a Christian song - "Times" by Tenth Ave North - but none of the other songs playing from that ipod were Christian songs. It was like a message directly from God that said, "I'm always here with you....don't ever feel lonely." I had this feeling both on the flights to and from Minnesota. It can be a little lonely flying alone (especially if it's your first time!), but every song that came on my ipod..."By Your Side" by Tenth Ave North, "Fall Apart" by Josh Wilson, "In Better Hands" by Natalie Grant....all of these songs gave me comfort and I found myself near tears with the peace that passes all understanding.
There are plenty of other things for me to do, remember, think, not think, etc....but these are the ones I think cover everything. I don't want it to sound like I'm bragging about where I am in my relationship with God, but I pray that this could inspire others to desire this kind of fulfillment because I'll tell you...he is the only thing that will fulfill you.
Times - Tenth Avenue North
