The Source

Two posts in three days? I must have a lot on my mind.

I find myself exhausted. Physically? Yes, a little, but if you know me you know that I could always go to sleep. Some would say I have a touch of narcolepsy :)  Emotionally? Yes, of course. I just lost my grandma who lived 20 yards away from us and died exactly a month after getting diagnosed with Leukemia. Of course that would cause me to be emotionally exhausted.

But there's more.

Even before my grandma passed, I was starting to get emotionally exhausted. True, I was dealing with the idea that she was going to die soon and dealing with her hospital and nursing home stays, but I think there is much more to my exhaustion than just that aspect of my life.

When my relationship with God weakens, my exhaustion increases. This is not just something I have realized recently. I have been able to make this correlation with every single time that I have distanced myself from God. Either I start doing things that aren't in line with what I believe and those things put a barrier between God and myself or I just don't keep up with our conversations. What kind of relationship works without communication? Isn't that the most basic of things in a friendship or marriage? It is no different with God. I find that when I start to slip with communication with him, I feel guilty and then put it off. Then I get to the point where I don't talk to him at all.

Sister Celestina pointed out in Spiritual Direction last semester that we tend to make God out as someone who gets annoyed with us for not talking to him or expects long formal prayers or holds things against us. She explained that all he wants is to hear from us...he just wants me to talk to him like I would a friend. To tell him what's going on in my life, what's exciting me, what's bothering me. She explained to me that the way I, personally, was looking at our relationship was like that of one with an acquaintance. I love the way she put it! She said, "You know that person who, every time you see them, asks you to do something or gets mad at you for not doing something? What do you do to those people? You avoid them! If that is how you're looking at God, of course you're going to avoid him, too! Now, when something is bothering you or you found out something exciting, don't you want to run to your best friend with that news? That is all God wants. He wants you to be excited about talking to him and building your relationship together."

These are all things that I knew, but I LOVED the way she worded them. I had been feeling so guilty about going for so long without praying or going to Daily Mass or Adoration that I had just started avoiding him. She really put things in perspective for me and I hope that writing this now will refresh all of this in my mind. It's hard being over here away from the nurturing environment of St. Mary's where I'm held accountable and it's easy to do the right thing.

I know that all of this can sound exhausting. I mean, wouldn't it be easier to just forget about all of this and keep going the way I'm going? I could just find other things to keep from being exhausted, right? I want to reiterate just how strong the correlation is between exhaustion and distance from God. When I'm in communion with God, when our relationship is really strong, I feel like I could climb mountains. There is nothing like it and I always want to be striving for that. I'm a better person all the way around...I'm less stressed, I'm more loving, I curse less, I don't have road rage....the list goes on. He makes all the difference and my prayer now is that I would start running back to him.

One more thing. I loved another thing Sister Cele told me and wanted to share it. When I first started Spiritual Direction last semester, I was burnt out on church. I had been SUPER involved all three years of college and was tired of it. I was also exhausted, like I am now. Sister Cele compared me to a bottle of water and God to a fountain or "The Source". She compared spending time with God to getting close to The Source and filling up your water bottle. Your pour yourself out throughout the days and weeks but if you don't go back to The Source, you're left feeling empty.

I'm tired of feeling empty...I'm going back to The Source.

Up to Heaven She Flew

She was there to say hello, and always with a smile

What followed was a hug that could warm you for a while.

Her kisses were soft and smooshy-the perfect "Grandma" kiss

She always had one ready for her special little Miss.

She spent her days doing for others, not herself

Whether working or worshiping, she would always offer help.

Her family was her life and she always worked to please them

Known by her kid's friends as 'Ma Bell', she was always the cool mom.

She built playhouses and cabanas and chaperoned their beach trips

She worked tirelessly to serve them with love that knew no limits.

Her passion was her faith and that fire burned within

Through sickness and health she loved the Lord all the same.

She fought the good fight, but when her time on earth was through,

She donned a pair of wings and up to Heaven she flew.

My grandma passed away last Wednesday morning. She was a lovely lady who was meant for a place more perfect than this world. I don't mourn for her because she is home, I mourn for my family who just lost a very special person. We have been overwhelmed with support and prayers and are all very thankful for that. Since she was a beautiful poet, I thought I would write a poem just for her.

Say No to the Stress!

I always try to think of a clever way to kick each post off... a hook, if you will. I guess it's just the English teacher in me. Unfortunately, I don't believe I have been very successful with my hooks...or maybe I have since you're still reading?

I think I should be more stressed right now than I am but I also think that I have a lot of stress that is manifesting itself in different ways. I could list everything that is stressing me out (or should be stressing me out) but I don't really like it when other people do that so I won't. Basically, I'm in the middle of my "Full Responsibility" time during student teaching but have had quite a few curveballs thrown at me during this time. None of them have to do with my teaching but just scheduling conflicts and personal things.

The personal thing that I will describe has to do with my grandma. We thought we had about 6 months with her but as of last Wednesday she stopped responding to her chemo and has been very up and down....mainly down. At this point, she's not getting any more blood and our main objective is to just keep her comfortable for these last few days. I've done my grieving and have cried plenty...now I (and my family) am ready to see her out of her pain and home with God. It will honestly be a big relief but it is still going to be very, very hard to not have her around. If you would, please pray for peace and comfort for her as she is in pretty constant pain. I've felt a lot of comfort through all of this which I think has to do with the fact that I know she's going to Heaven and is going to enjoy herself quite a bit more up there than she is here.

So despite this and the other list of things that could potentially stress me out big time, I'm going to listen to Pilar's advice and stay focused and push through. The great thing about this semester is that I always have something to look forward to...this weekend it is Highball (possibly) on Friday and the San Antonio Rodeo on Saturday with Mark, Kathleen, and Caroline. I also have my 5th graders' Valentine's party on Friday to which I'm going to wear my hot pink tights and some sort of festive Valentine's day decorations. I'm excited. I love those tights and I NEVER have a reason to wear them! Also, speaking of Valentine's day...I am debating on whether or not I want to buy myself a massage again. I did that a couple of years ago as a Vday gift to myself since I am usually celebrating Suck it, Cupid day in lieu of Valentine's Day. This is looking like a really good idea. We shall see.

Now to watch the Ags BTHO Colorado.

Patience is a NECESSITY!

Patience, patience, patience. That seems to be the buzz word of the last few weeks! I think the best virtue a teacher can have is patience. I have realized in the last few weeks just how much patience I have as well as how much patience I still need to be a teacher. Most of my students are fabulous....they are loveable and sweet and they draw me pictures and even if they don't turn their work in on time sometimes, they are easy to love.

---Also, I would like to take this moment to say that I do love all of them...and I do like all of them...even when they are about to drive me up the wall and through the ceiling. I understand that they are just children but I do need some sort of outlet to vent about my beloved children so I am doing that here and now.---

There are a select few of my students with whom I must "count to ten" with. These are the students who have behavior contracts and who have honesty issues and who must be told and reminded over and over and over to turn in their papers or to correct their papers or to use their strategies...blahblahblah....
As frustrating as it is, all you need is patience. (and liquor sometimes...just sayin'!) About 98% of the time, these kids have reasons why they are the way they are. The other 2%, well, those are pretty rare cases that we won't talk about now :)

Patience has also come in handy for me when it comes to working with other people. I think any other teacher or intern or apprentice or personworkingwithorunderanotherperson can appreciate what I am about to say. I so appreciate everything my cooperating teacher has done and is doing for me this semester. She is an AWESOME teacher and I am learning so much from her...and I am not just saying this to be politically correct. However, I can't wait to just have my own classroom. I want to be the only one in charge in my classroom. I want to be the only one students come to with questions, the only authority figure, the one who decorates the room, the one who sits behind the desk. (While I'm at it, I can't WAIT to have my own house! I've been diving into Pottery Barn magazines and HGTV and drooling over decor ideas.) I think these are all pretty normal things to be feeling when you're in my position. I'm sure on my first day of school as a brand new teacher I will be wishing I had a seasoned teacher with me!

School isn't the only place I have needed patience this semester. I knew it was going to be hard to be away from everyone in College Station this semester and I was right. I am absolutely loving being in Austin with Pat and Allison and spending time with Rachel and Whitney (before Whitney jets off to NYC!) It is wonderful here. But just like I imagined, I look on Facebook and see things that I'm missing out on and I feel a little pang of pain/jealousy/homesickness. Now, I am not writing this to make anyone feel guilty...that is certainly not my intent. This is just an area of my life where I am having to utilize patience. I have always tried to do everything in my power to be everywhere that I could in order to not miss out on anything...if I had multiple things scheduled for one weekend I would try to do all of them. I always took off work for everything including A&M games, family weekends, retreats, etc, because I couldn't bear to miss any of it. Now I am missing out on one thing to experience this other great thing and it is just going to have to be a learning experience. I must learn not to be neurotic (I inherited insane neurosis, thanks Mom!) when people don't return phone calls or texts right away. Distance changes things and I will admit that I am bad at those things sometimes, too. Patience.

So the theme? Patience. Patience is always a virtue, a must, a necessity. At this point in my life I am waiting on a lot of things, so the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller will always have a special place in my heart. It helps me to stay patient :)