The Source

Two posts in three days? I must have a lot on my mind.

I find myself exhausted. Physically? Yes, a little, but if you know me you know that I could always go to sleep. Some would say I have a touch of narcolepsy :)  Emotionally? Yes, of course. I just lost my grandma who lived 20 yards away from us and died exactly a month after getting diagnosed with Leukemia. Of course that would cause me to be emotionally exhausted.

But there's more.

Even before my grandma passed, I was starting to get emotionally exhausted. True, I was dealing with the idea that she was going to die soon and dealing with her hospital and nursing home stays, but I think there is much more to my exhaustion than just that aspect of my life.

When my relationship with God weakens, my exhaustion increases. This is not just something I have realized recently. I have been able to make this correlation with every single time that I have distanced myself from God. Either I start doing things that aren't in line with what I believe and those things put a barrier between God and myself or I just don't keep up with our conversations. What kind of relationship works without communication? Isn't that the most basic of things in a friendship or marriage? It is no different with God. I find that when I start to slip with communication with him, I feel guilty and then put it off. Then I get to the point where I don't talk to him at all.

Sister Celestina pointed out in Spiritual Direction last semester that we tend to make God out as someone who gets annoyed with us for not talking to him or expects long formal prayers or holds things against us. She explained that all he wants is to hear from us...he just wants me to talk to him like I would a friend. To tell him what's going on in my life, what's exciting me, what's bothering me. She explained to me that the way I, personally, was looking at our relationship was like that of one with an acquaintance. I love the way she put it! She said, "You know that person who, every time you see them, asks you to do something or gets mad at you for not doing something? What do you do to those people? You avoid them! If that is how you're looking at God, of course you're going to avoid him, too! Now, when something is bothering you or you found out something exciting, don't you want to run to your best friend with that news? That is all God wants. He wants you to be excited about talking to him and building your relationship together."

These are all things that I knew, but I LOVED the way she worded them. I had been feeling so guilty about going for so long without praying or going to Daily Mass or Adoration that I had just started avoiding him. She really put things in perspective for me and I hope that writing this now will refresh all of this in my mind. It's hard being over here away from the nurturing environment of St. Mary's where I'm held accountable and it's easy to do the right thing.

I know that all of this can sound exhausting. I mean, wouldn't it be easier to just forget about all of this and keep going the way I'm going? I could just find other things to keep from being exhausted, right? I want to reiterate just how strong the correlation is between exhaustion and distance from God. When I'm in communion with God, when our relationship is really strong, I feel like I could climb mountains. There is nothing like it and I always want to be striving for that. I'm a better person all the way around...I'm less stressed, I'm more loving, I curse less, I don't have road rage....the list goes on. He makes all the difference and my prayer now is that I would start running back to him.

One more thing. I loved another thing Sister Cele told me and wanted to share it. When I first started Spiritual Direction last semester, I was burnt out on church. I had been SUPER involved all three years of college and was tired of it. I was also exhausted, like I am now. Sister Cele compared me to a bottle of water and God to a fountain or "The Source". She compared spending time with God to getting close to The Source and filling up your water bottle. Your pour yourself out throughout the days and weeks but if you don't go back to The Source, you're left feeling empty.

I'm tired of feeling empty...I'm going back to The Source.